AliceVonKartoffel

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Lady Starlight by AliceVonKartoffel, literature

Literature

Lady Starlight

Glimmering as a star's light in the night sky, Is your beauty to my eye. The same could be said for my hope; My hope to feel your touch Is logically not much. I am at my best now, Yet hideously repugnant right now. Are my charms Enough to have you in my arms? I want to feel your kiss, Yet I quake in fear of bliss... Yet I fear I am not good enough, And worthy of only death. My Lady Starlight, Hear my plight.

new 1 by AliceVonKartoffel, literature

Samantha the Watermelon by AliceVonKartoffel, literature

Literature

Samantha the Watermelon

Samantha the Watermelon Watermelons are mostly water, And in that respect you're similar. You may think this likening is weird, But neither of you can grow a beard. Oh yes, Samanatha, You're like a melon of water. Ev'rything's the same Except for your name. In order to further prove what's said You should know that your insides are red And on the outside you both have skin, But neither are good for my eating, Although you've got flesh for consumption In a survival situation. In that case though, you shouldn't worry, Because you or a melon'd beat me. Maybe that wasn't so accurate Due to the fact that I have not had a recent sense Of yours

The USB That Just Wouldn't Fit by AliceVonKartoffel, literature

Literature

The USB That Just Wouldn't Fit

The USB That Just Wouldn't Fit "The USB just won't fit," Is what I said as I quit. I tried turning it around, But it was just so profound! Usually I'll turn it In order to make it fit. It'll never work with this though; My files are gone, making woe. Universal Serial Bus, Plugging you in is such a fuss. I just want to access my files, But you put me through these trials. Your end really should be straight, But something has warped your plates. You have become rather curved, Which has me rather unnerved.

Uranium Cranium by AliceVonKartoffel, literature

Fucking Birds by AliceVonKartoffel, literature

Sodomy by AliceVonKartoffel, literature

My Clone Army by AliceVonKartoffel, literature

The Flame Wizard by AliceVonKartoffel, literature

Literature

The Flame Wizard

The Flame Wizard He was a wizard in command Of flames to reprimand All of his foes; He'd burn their toes. He wore an amulet Which they said let Him command the fire, So he was a liar. He'd say "These powers you see "Come straight from me!" But truly they came from the AMD CPU Which he kept hidden from view. They said that the AMD Was as hot as can be, Hotter than a thousand suns, So of his foes survived none. [Edit: So my friend DeRaza360 (https://www.deviantart.com/deraza360) (TheEraserTwoPi) decided to add his only little part to my poem. I am not to blame for any damages caused by this addition. If it causes your brain to explode, please do not try and sue me.] And th

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Lady Starlight by AliceVonKartoffel, literature

Literature

Lady Starlight

new 1 by AliceVonKartoffel, literature

Samantha the Watermelon by AliceVonKartoffel, literature

Literature

Samantha the Watermelon

The USB That Just Wouldn't Fit by AliceVonKartoffel, literature

Literature

The USB That Just Wouldn't Fit

Uranium Cranium by AliceVonKartoffel, literature

Fucking Birds by AliceVonKartoffel, literature

Sodomy by AliceVonKartoffel, literature

My Clone Army by AliceVonKartoffel, literature

The Flame Wizard by AliceVonKartoffel, literature

Literature

The Flame Wizard

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Bronaldo

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Plot-Twist Poem #1 by SkyCanvas86, literature

Tech problems by 16woodsequ, literature

Literature

Tech problems

My computer and printer aren’t speaking to each other I don’t know what happened I think they had and argument And now they’re refusing to communicate I tried But the computer doesn’t want to send any messages to the printer …and even if he did, the printer would just ignore him I don’t even know what they’re fighting about I think one of them said something rude And the other something snobby And it just got worse from there They’ve never been the best of friends… So That’s why I didn’t hand in my homework ...

What Did I Just Think Of? by OrangeWithATopHat, literature

Literature

What Did I Just Think Of?

I am writing a poem for I don't know what to do, I should do something more productive. woo. Why am I writing this? I should be enjoying the music video from my favorite band playing in front of me. I remember when a marching band played the song from this music video. I don't remember anything; just someone saying the name of the song. I regret that. Since this poem, or should I say memoir is getting too long, I will wrap this up and end this memorable song. Sorry if I didn't rhyme much, I felt like writing a poem but I was too lazy to rhyme so sorry a bunch. Oh wow, now I'm rhyming. well, this is the end; what perfect timing.

Ode to Printer by serpergirl, literature

Literature

Ode to Printer

Oh printer, I wish that You would Stop Enchanting My cat. He stares at Your orifices With such Intensity, (Quite rude, Isn't it?) He looks at You as though You will begin To speak to him (Though I doubt You share a common Language.) He comes running As you begin to Churn, pulling Paper in and spitting It out as you Ink words and images (As though what he Needs is being printed, And he needs to grab it Before anyone sees.) Oh printer, Please Cease and Desist, Your charms, Your siren calls, Your promises Of being an oracle. Cease and Desist Your actions, Whatever they Are, And Release my cat.

Only With A Tuba by Bark, literature

A.D.D. #2 by Lucain24, literature

Literature

A.D.D. #2

Ok class, everyone be quiet, John is about to present his project! Ok John, tell us about your project. Hello my name is John My project is about the cells We start off with what are cells There's a ninja in the back of the class Did you know a square is NOT a circle I have a cat in my bag Blue terrifies me I have sand in my butt Abraham Lincoln I should sell meth Has anyone seen Iron Man 2? I love call of duty I ate a dandelion What's "Parking"? Where my arm? I forgot how to blink.. And that's how I found this coin

I'm Choking: A Poem by Bongwater-bandit, literature

Deviation Spotlight

The Sandwich God by AliceVonKartoffel, literature

Literature

The Sandwich God

The Sandwich God The Sandwich God gazed Upon the doughnuts glazed. "Fear thine fate not," Be what his mouth shot. "Mine fellow pastry comrades, "For thee I'll play all the cards." But alas! Sandwich God had no arms! To the captors he could procure no harms! He were just a silly sandwich, Devoid of every appendage! He was just a delectable square, Lacking even hair! Fitting upon him was not even a toupee! None can be fitted, Even to this day. How will he feel when he is wed With no hair upon his head? He is lifted towards the heavens, To rule once more with the lemons. But no, it was a trick! He realised that to the plate he could no longe

The Sandwich God

AliceVonKartoffel

About AliceVonKartoffel

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Artist // Student // Literature

Aug 2
Australia
Deviant for 12 years
He / Him

Badges

My Bio

Meow. Meow meow meow.
I'm a novelist of sorts. I mean, I contemplate fantasy worlds and then say "Oh, I'll now write a crime-humour novella."
So I have a few stories up here of my prized Detective Orion Kinsley, who originally appeared in a play I wrote. Naturally, I was the main character, explaining why he has similar physical qualities to me.
They are on here and they illegibly genius, but I find that hard to believe.
In addition I write poetry, although it is mostly humour as well! In fact, all the serious stuff I write in the form of poetry is so badly written that it is embarrassing! If you have any requests for comedic poetry, feel free to pitch them to me - if the idea flares something within me, I see no reason why I couldn't do it.
I aspire to earn a living off writing, so I ought to get used to living frugally.

Favourite Visual Artist

Van Gogh, Tim Burton

Favourite Movies

Sweeney Todd, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Repo: The Genetic Opera, Vertigo

Favourite TV Shows

Adventure Time, IT Crowd, Black Books, Krod Mandoon

Favourite Bands / Musical Artists

Captain Dan and the Scurvy Crew, Beethoven, Epica, Blind Guardian, Skrillex

Favourite Books

The Dark Tower, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, The Legend of Drizzt, Dawn, The Wheel of Time, Odd Thomas

Favourite Writers

R.A. Salvatore, Stephen King, Douglas Adams, James Patterson, Robert Jordan, Virginia Andrews, Dean Koontz

Favourite Games

Baldur's Gate, Solitaire, Dungeons and Dragons, Magic: The Gathering

Favourite Gaming Platform

A table with a bunch of players around it as I set the narrative as Dungeon Master.

Tools of the Trade

2B pencils, oil pastels, keyboard, pens, sandwiches

Other Interests

Wearing pants, thinking about pants, eating pants, removing pants from goblin corpses, selling looted pants, admiring pants.

Posts

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AliceVonKartoffel

Sep 9, 2013

Beards

0 min read

Dwarven women have to have beards. This has sparked me to write thirteen pages of lore for my own fantasy world, with three of them relating to beards.

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Profile Comments 75

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DeRaza360

Nov 22, 2013

I was originally going to mention how three of your random favourites were mine, but Deviantart's media uploading tool is different to Facebook's, so I actually shouldn't be mentioning rival sites at all.